Don’t do it alone.

Life is hard. Yes, it’s also good and beautiful and fun and fulfilling. But it can also be hard. And you know what makes it a lot harder? Doing it alone. So many of us try this. We try to face all the things that life throws at us by ourselves. Somehow we think that makes us strong, or at least that doing the opposite–reaching out for help, leaning on others–makes us weak. But does it? Honestly, I actually would say yes and no. Yes, it is weak. If “strong” is defined as, “I can do everything by myself without ever getting any help or support from others”, then yes, it is weak to lean on others. However, I would not say that weakness is bad. In fact, I would actually say that leaning on others (and being someone others can lean on) is not just good, but that it is very good.

For so many of my clients, after they share with me what they’re struggling with, what they’re feeling, and why they decided to come to therapy, I respond with something like, “Wow, that’s a lot. And who else in your life knows about this?” For far too many of them, their response is something along the lines of, “Well, my husband/wife knows some of that, but not all of it, and then my best friend from college who lives in 500 miles away who I talk to every couple months, well, he knows some of it too, but again, not all of it, and again, he’s 500 miles away and we only talk every couple of months.”

When I hear this, I then set it as a high priority to help them build their support system. And I don’t just mean people they game with or who are husbands of their wives’ friends so they kind of “have to” be friends and hang out whenever their wives get them all together (though that’s not nothing, and neither are the people they regularly game with). No, I mean people who they interact with in person, who they are able to not only have fun with, but also go deep with and be open and honest with.

So don’t do it. Stop trying to shoulder everything yourself. And I know that’s easier said than done, but take one small step—have a slightly more involved conversation with the co-worker who you think is pretty cool. Go to church and strike up a conversation with the person you end up sitting next to. Share something with your partner that you usually would just keep to yourself. You can do it. It’s worth it.